Borrowing Each Other’s Suffering

In my spiritual practice, it is the Lenten season which represents a time of season where we acknowledge suffering and maintain a contemplative and reflective posture for 40 days.

Around this time, observers of Lent are utilizing different methods to practice suffering well. This may seem ironic since “being well” seems to contradict the state of suffering.

As a clinician who is observing this time, I can’t help but to think of the conditions that typically create suffering in our world - war, federal tyranny, job loss, lack of connection and loneliness, death and bereavement, sexism, racism, xenophobia, addiction, absence of resources, abuse, and so much more.

During these times where conditions yield suffering, how will we know what to do? How do we take care of our hearts, bodies, and minds?

One of the ideas I propose is learning about the path of a group you belong to or perhaps a group you do not belong to, and exploring how that particular group has moved through hardship. What are the tools, practices, and rituals that they used to galvanize peace of mind and a sense of connection?

Today, I am borrowing from the learnings put forth by the publication, Adult Children of Alcoholics for Alcoholic/ Dysfunctional Families (hereafter called ‘ACA’) published by the World Service Organization Inc. in 2006.

According to the ACA, there are three core stages of recovery (or healing) for Adult Children who come from families affected by alcohol abuse, misuse, and addiction.

(Reader: Remember, we are learning how to suffer by borrowing from the learnings and lessons of ourselves and others. While you may not be an Adult Child of alcoholics or dysfunctional families, listen for what resonates and feel free to leave the rest. If you are an Adult Child, but never used this language before to describe yourself, I hope the following words are nourishing to you.)

The proposed stages of recovery are:

1. Recognition that our spirit, or inner child, has been deeply hurt and shaped by the hurt that comes from homes where addiction is present.
   
   Sometimes, in these cases, children are parentified and made to be overly responsible for the behavior of the adults that otherwise should be offering a home of safety, security, and reassurance. While there is resilience that may form from this, sometimes those children/ we also learn to believe that:

   1. “I have to do everything on my own.”

   2. “I can’t rely on anyone.”

   3. “I’m not allowed to have my needs met.”

   4. “I don’t have needs.”

   5. “Others’ needs are more important than my own.”

      There is certainly a time to place others needs before our own, but it is important that it is appropriate and in right measure knowing that “right” measure may vary.
      
      

2. Grieving our ungrieved hurts, losses, and traumas.
   
   Dr. Charles L. Whitfield (2006) states that this stage is “nearly always slow, long, and ponderous” and encourages “effective aids” or supports to move through that grief. This can look like a 12 steps group, individual therapy, peer support groups or group therapy. It can also include cultural practices like sweat lodge/ inipi, sauna, or other culturally congruent practices connected with your specific culture. Grief is both cognitive and somatic, so body work may also help such as acupuncture, reiki, massage, or running.
   
   

3. Refining relationship with self, others, and our spiritual foundations. Spiritual foundations for people may very but think of it as the essence that brings you peace.
   
   Dr. Whitfield says that stage 3 is probably much easier when having worked through stage 2. But, I also see each of these stages as an iterative process … they instigate a “Call and Response” approach akin to the cultural practice of the same name within the African-American community.
   

   Our stages of healing get to be in conversation with one another.

   Jasmine Marie - author of Black Girls Breathing: Heal from Trauma, Combat Chronic Stress, and Find your Freedom - reminds us that:

“The mainstream message that’s been sold to us suggests that healing ourselves means that everything in our lives will be perfect. When this expectation of perfection is met by a harsh reality, we may feel that something is wrong with us or that we’re doing healing (or recovery) all wrong. But, I want to be real with you: disentangling ourselves, our lives, and our beliefs from all we know when chronic stress (or even, codependence) was our normal will feel like experiencing a slow death many times on the journey of unlearning and healing.”

So as a we move through the suffering in our own lives, we attempt to learn how to find some semblance of peace in the madness. We attempt to reconnect to our inner child, we attempt to relate to each other and learn from one another, we attempt to relieve the burden that can come with healing and recovery by focusing on our attempts one day at a time.